I'm tired.

I have been in the position I'm in for about 3 years. I wake up, realize that I need Jesus to get me through the day, go to school, get distracted, come home, realize that I didn't exactly live for Jesus at school, promise myself that I will do better the next day, and go to bed. My dad is a pastor, so that presents me with a very high standard to meet. I have to be good, obedient, kind, quiet, friendly, and polite at all times. That is, whenever I'm with anybody but myself. But when I'm alone, sitting on the outside of my windowsill at 2 in the morning, I like to dream. I dream of another life, where I leave the confines of myself and I sneak out of the house at 2 in the morning instead of sitting on the outskirts of it. Where I say "I love you" Without worrying if I should or not. Where I blast my music as loud as possible because I want to. Because it makes me feel alive. Where I can climb to the tops of a tree and think about life, and love, and God, and the future for 6 hours until it's too dark to see the ground, and then find an open field lay still and try to count the stars until dawn, and then go home and sleep all day. But I can't. Because I can't escape my own expectations and standards. Because there's a ferocious battle going on in myself, and I desperately want the right side to win. But until I find out which side that is, I will remain tired.

Why do I write Music?

I write music because (as cliche as it sounds...) It really does affect my life in a way that nothing else can. When you go to hear a choir create life-suspending music right before your very eyes and ears, it really does create something. Not something you can touch or see, but something much more mysterious. If you listen to that choir and close your eyes and just let your mind wander to wherever the music takes it, something happens. Something very real and yet, there's no way to put it into words. Sure, you can say that it's just sound waves being absorbed, but that doesn't do music the justice it deserves. It brings tears to your eyes and it makes your heart flutter and it makes everything else in the world seem utterly unimportant. That is why I create music.

Major or Minor?

I've been thinking this over lately, and I have a new songwriting goal. That is: Write a sad song in major, and a happy song in minor. For those of you who don't know, major generally sounds happy, and minor usually sounds sad. That's the easiest way to explain it. Well, it's easier than saying that the minor triad is built of it's relative major's 6th. Although if you understand musicalities, then that makes all the sense in the world :) The point is, I am going to write a sad song that sounds happy, and a happy song that sounds sad. Just to change things up a little :)

A thought :)

Upon arriving early for a meeting at Starbucks this evening, I sat next to two girls (about 17 or 18 years old). As I was minding my own business, I couldn't help but overhear their conversation. Both smoking cigarettes and talking about their friends, enemies, pregnancies, and parents (all about which they had a negative thing to say).

Now as I'm sitting there eating french fries and sipping an iced chai tea latte, naturally my first thought process is "Wow, these girls' lives are really messed up. I'm glad that I have it more together than they do." But then I got to thinking, "What right do I have to think something like that? They're just like me."

Because I might not have all of the problems that they have, but I have thousands of problems that they probably don't. 

But then I thought to myself (which I am doing more and more often) "Yeah, well I have Jesus." supposedly meaning 'I have Jesus, so that makes me better.'

And I then came to this conclusion: I'm not better than them, Jesus is better than all of us. Because without Jesus, who am I really? Nobody. Without Jesus I would be in the same boat that they're in. So Jesus is perfect, and we're all terrible sinners. And it's by God's grace alone that he looks at me in a different light. Now, my job is to go spread his word to people who need him.

The Test

It's like when you take a test and you feel really good about it. You know that you're going to be getting 100% and then the teacher hands it back to you and you are one point away from failing. One small point, and yet that one small point means the difference between a pass and a fail. 

All your friends have abandoned you for reasons unknown until you discovered that the reason you are all alone is because you've been 'rude' or'distant' or 'self absorbed' and you think to yourself "How can this be? I haven't been any of those things..." But then you think to yourself "Maybe I have." And you sink into desperation and despair.

Until you remember that one small point. The difference between a pass and a fail.

That one small point is a voice saying two simple words.

"Keep going."

Because it doesn't matter if all of your friends leave you, or betray you, or act as if they've never seen or known you before in their lives. What matters is the voice you choose to listen to.

Of course, one voice is easier to listen to than another. There are all of those points that caused you to get that particular grade on that particular test, and those tend to be the loudest. 

But there is still that one small point that remains. And while all the other are screaming at the top of their lungs, that one small point is whispering reassuringly.

"Keep going."

Song Writing

My goodness I just remembered that I have this blog :P Sorry for the delay, although I'm fairly certain that there's not really anyone reading this. Somehow I find that it helps organize my thoughts to type them out and present them before other people who don't know me very well :)

For those of you who don't know, I'm currently writing my first album (hopefully) and I'm really enjoying it except for one thing- song writing is probably the most overtaxing thing one can  put one's brain through. To think of an idea that isn't stupid, and that other people might enjoy, and then to write it out so that it makes sense, and then write it in stanza/verse form, and then make sure that all the words rhyme in the right places, and then make a melody for the song, and make sure that there is background music for the song and then to put it all together. 

One of the most, probably the most difficult part of this process is the rhyming. When I'm writing I find that I have something that (finally) really like, I come up short because the DANG words don't rhyme. But then I got to thinking... Who said that songs have to rhyme anyways? It's basically a poem that's put into music, and I don't want to change the words because that would give the song a completely different meaning. So I have a new rule for myself: Don't change words to rhyme. If you do, you'll end up changing what thousands of people may or may not get out of the song.

Anyways, that has been your tip/thought for the day :) 

Oh my goodness golly gracious!

I cannot remember the last time I was THIS busy and have actually suffered in some way from it. I mean, of course, I've been really busy before, but I've never had so many things that actually matter to me going on in my life all at once. School (which I am trying much harder at this year :P ) Jesus (More important than anything else,) Church things, clubs, and sleep which is becoming increasingly harder to come by :P I'm definitely looking forward to the weekend :)