I'm tired.

I have been in the position I'm in for about 3 years. I wake up, realize that I need Jesus to get me through the day, go to school, get distracted, come home, realize that I didn't exactly live for Jesus at school, promise myself that I will do better the next day, and go to bed. My dad is a pastor, so that presents me with a very high standard to meet. I have to be good, obedient, kind, quiet, friendly, and polite at all times. That is, whenever I'm with anybody but myself. But when I'm alone, sitting on the outside of my windowsill at 2 in the morning, I like to dream. I dream of another life, where I leave the confines of myself and I sneak out of the house at 2 in the morning instead of sitting on the outskirts of it. Where I say "I love you" Without worrying if I should or not. Where I blast my music as loud as possible because I want to. Because it makes me feel alive. Where I can climb to the tops of a tree and think about life, and love, and God, and the future for 6 hours until it's too dark to see the ground, and then find an open field lay still and try to count the stars until dawn, and then go home and sleep all day. But I can't. Because I can't escape my own expectations and standards. Because there's a ferocious battle going on in myself, and I desperately want the right side to win. But until I find out which side that is, I will remain tired.

Why do I write Music?

I write music because (as cliche as it sounds...) It really does affect my life in a way that nothing else can. When you go to hear a choir create life-suspending music right before your very eyes and ears, it really does create something. Not something you can touch or see, but something much more mysterious. If you listen to that choir and close your eyes and just let your mind wander to wherever the music takes it, something happens. Something very real and yet, there's no way to put it into words. Sure, you can say that it's just sound waves being absorbed, but that doesn't do music the justice it deserves. It brings tears to your eyes and it makes your heart flutter and it makes everything else in the world seem utterly unimportant. That is why I create music.